part two of two.

i found someone im getting to know
& i can honestly say that im happy im taking it slow.

part one of two.

i hate the feeling when you know you’re going to cry.
Your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting. Your face clenches up, and then the
tears start to fall.You can’t stop them, no matter how hard you try. And it’s not little
tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy, your
face tear-stained and your body heave.
You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what could you
have possibly done to stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Stop this, stop what you’re going
through. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. It’s the kind of tears and pain
that need to be cried out, not talked out. You can’t help it, and sometimes, you just
don’t care.


I've gotten a lot better with things that involve my dad
the counseling and distance has actually made me feel better.
Except the other night,
I was listening to ADTR "have faith in me" and when the part
comes up
"Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it"

I completely lost it,i know that nothing is my fault and that i couldn't
and still cant control his actions or words,but i have my days where i
miss him so much.
It will be 3 years tomorrow that my dad stopped talking
to me.

On the upside, if it wasn't for Chris Walter and Dara Tanzman
calming down i probably would have been a
mess for a couple days.

The firsts day he stopped talking to me i was fine
the first month was okay to,but when the first year hit i started
to go severely down hill. I didn't do anything or want to do anything for
a really long time,until recently. I was in a really deep depression but was
able to put a happy face on,or should i say,a very strict no emotion face on for
everyone else around me. I've never been one to want to talk about my feelings
im more of a keep it to myself and worry about it later. I was more worried about
my brothers and sister,and didn't want them to see me upset or mad over anything.

But this anniversary has me thinking one thing:
For the first time in my life, i don't even want to say anything to you at all

different STATE of mind

I've been thinking alot about where i want to end up when it comes to starting my life

Kevin and I have talked about South Carolina & Florida. I really love Florida, and the people

that are there,thats where im comfortable and want to be.But on the other hand i want something new and South Carolina sounds fun and different,and a way to whipe our slate clean and start fresh, but really i wanna end up back in Florida. Thats where i wanna raise a family,and start our life. There are so many different things down there,and so many opportunites,i know thats where i wanna open my 2 business's i have in mind & where its comfortable.

you.

I dont care how you see me anymore,but if you think its just "Sarahs World" then you are on some major crack,you obviously dont know my life behind closed doors.

fuck that
fuck you
& fuck your thoughts.

My life does not consist of only me,i have someone aka kevin by my side
i have wonderful brothers and a sister who make up most of my life and
then i have my family.

So dont think for one second,just because i ask you one little thing that i cant
do it myself,or that im just trying to have my own little world,you never do anything
for me anyways,why would i expect the tiniest shit from you?
Really,take a look at anything i've asked you in the past,it never gets done i always
do it anyways,not that im mad about that either.

But seriously come on,grow the fuck up already.

so FREAKING sick

Im so tired of this stupid ass county and town
i literally hate Sullivan County,there is nothing here
except the "WELCOME TO THE ASSHOLE OF AMERICA!"
sign when you enter it.

I really just cant wait to get out of here.
really there is nothing
you look to your left and theres nothing
you look to your right and guess what theres nothing!
and theres no point in looking ahead.BECAUSE THERES NOTHING.

EFF THIS PLACE!

kids are the cutest

Especially the ones related to me :)

my brother came to me today and said [mind you he's 8]

and he's in 3rd grade.

so he comes over and says

"Sarah,theres this girl,and her name is Samantha,and she has

red hair like me (he tugs on his hair) and she's single,and im single"

and i said,okay..do you like her and he says

"yes,so im gonna ask her to be my girlfriend tomorrow,that my plan B"

and i said ohhh okay,why dont you pick her a flower

and give it to her and he turns around and says
"Im not that sweet,i already gave her my starburst today"

lol,i couldnt help but laugh it was really cute & really funny.

complaining

It's at least 90 degrees here in New York today
and im watching my sister..

all she wants to do is hang all over me
and she dosent understand that its hott.

blahh,i hope that its not like this tomorrow
im to white,and to fat for this heat lol.

Live,Love,Forgive

I know alot of people have been asking me about my dad;and i havent wanted to talk about it for awhile. But i think its time to actually talk. I have been going to my pastor for counseling,and i know for a fact that if i hadnt started going,i would have been clinically depressed and angry for awhile. But who wants to stay sad and angry for the rest of their life? Not this girl. So,it took alot of time for me to realize,that my dads actions are not my fault,it's not like i told him to do any of the things he did,or say the things he did,it is not and will not ever be my fault. It's easier for someone to point the finger,rather then take the blame,if i was in the wrong i would admit to it,but im not.

Im going to LIVE...
My life is valuable,it means something to someone whether it be a family member or a friend,i mean something to someone. Im going to live my life,knowing that i did the right thing. Even if that means living a life without my dad,i still have my stepdad who's stepped up and helped me more then he knows,and my mom,she's always been in my corner and i know that she would never turn me away,and never tell me that im not her daughter.I have a stepmom,even though we've had crappy times,has always been there for me as well. I have my fiance who i know loves me more then i even know,and then i have all of you,my friends. Certain friends,have stuck these past 2 rocky years out with me,keeping me on my feet and telling me that it will get easier,and reassuring me that it will be okay,you know who you are.
Im going to live my life knowing that i had good times with my dad even though they have come to and end,im going to live my life knowing that at one point he accepted me,and im going to live my life knowing that at one point he loved me.

Im going to LOVE...
My heart literally felt like it was never going to be right for awhile,i thought that the love i needed was the acceptance of my father,but thats not what love is. Love is not acceptance,or physical, or something we can see. Its something that we share with someone else,and if that other person dosent want to love you back,then move on. I will always love my dad,that goes without saying, how could i not love him, him and my mom gave me life, they put me on this earth. And i love both of them for that. But it has taken time for me to see that i dont need to be apart of my dads life for me to love him,and i dont know if he loves me,but im not going to dwell on what i dont know,all i know is that i love him;and thats what matters---I know that i can love. And trust me i have alot of love out there,i have 5 brothers and 1 sister that have a huge part of my heart,and then i have my mom,grandma,nanie,stepdad,stepmom,kevin,aunt jenn,aunt mary-alice,uncle kenny,uncle jimmy,aunt darlene....You get the point,i love and care for alot,and yes that includes you too dad. So thats what im going to do love with all my heart,right down to my last heartbeat.

Im going to FORGIVE...
For awhile,i was the one always saying sorry and holding the grudge against my dad,but i know that i cant do that. I know that i have nothing to be sorry for,and i have nothing to be mad about anymore. I get to see the loves of my life, they are eight and three,and god knows i would take a bullet for them. So yes,i forgive my dad because im not going to live my life with hate in my heart, or a chip on my shoulder.


But for the rest of this,if you're wondering if i have a relationship with my dad,no i dont or "relationship" consists of me dropping the kids off to see on some weekends,4 second phone calls to say that my brother isnt home,or to hand the phone off. But im fine with it,i've tried to have a relationship with him,ive tried talking to him,i used to call his cell phone once everyday for a good 3 months,hoping that he would pick up,i would leave messages telling him whats going on,and i would talk to the answering machine,or i would call just to hear his voicemail. I remember having a message on my answering machine,that i saved on there for almost 2-3 years of him saying hi,and that he was going to come pick me up later and i deleted it. Im not going to hold on to the past,theres to many good things coming in my future.

My door is always open;because there are things coming up
like my wedding,kids in the future,and other things
if he wants to be apart of those things he can be..