I know alot of people have been asking me about my dad;and i havent wanted to talk about it for awhile. But i think its time to actually talk. I have been going to my pastor for counseling,and i know for a fact that if i hadnt started going,i would have been clinically depressed and angry for awhile. But who wants to stay sad and angry for the rest of their life? Not this girl. So,it took alot of time for me to realize,that my dads actions are not my fault,it's not like i told him to do any of the things he did,or say the things he did,it is not and will not ever be my fault. It's easier for someone to point the finger,rather then take the blame,if i was in the wrong i would admit to it,but im not.
Im going to LIVE...
My life is valuable,it means something to someone whether it be a family member or a friend,i mean something to someone. Im going to live my life,knowing that i did the right thing. Even if that means living a life without my dad,i still have my stepdad who's stepped up and helped me more then he knows,and my mom,she's always been in my corner and i know that she would never turn me away,and never tell me that im not her daughter.I have a stepmom,even though we've had crappy times,has always been there for me as well. I have my fiance who i know loves me more then i even know,and then i have all of you,my friends. Certain friends,have stuck these past 2 rocky years out with me,keeping me on my feet and telling me that it will get easier,and reassuring me that it will be okay,you know who you are.
Im going to live my life knowing that i had good times with my dad even though they have come to and end,im going to live my life knowing that at one point he accepted me,and im going to live my life knowing that at one point he loved me.
Im going to LOVE...
My heart literally felt like it was never going to be right for awhile,i thought that the love i needed was the acceptance of my father,but thats not what love is. Love is not acceptance,or physical, or something we can see. Its something that we share with someone else,and if that other person dosent want to love you back,then move on. I will always love my dad,that goes without saying, how could i not love him, him and my mom gave me life, they put me on this earth. And i love both of them for that. But it has taken time for me to see that i dont need to be apart of my dads life for me to love him,and i dont know if he loves me,but im not going to dwell on what i dont know,all i know is that i love him;and thats what matters---I know that i can love. And trust me i have alot of love out there,i have 5 brothers and 1 sister that have a huge part of my heart,and then i have my mom,grandma,nanie,stepdad,stepmom,kevin,aunt jenn,aunt mary-alice,uncle kenny,uncle jimmy,aunt darlene....You get the point,i love and care for alot,and yes that includes you too dad. So thats what im going to do love with all my heart,right down to my last heartbeat.
Im going to FORGIVE...
For awhile,i was the one always saying sorry and holding the grudge against my dad,but i know that i cant do that. I know that i have nothing to be sorry for,and i have nothing to be mad about anymore. I get to see the loves of my life, they are eight and three,and god knows i would take a bullet for them. So yes,i forgive my dad because im not going to live my life with hate in my heart, or a chip on my shoulder.
But for the rest of this,if you're wondering if i have a relationship with my dad,no i dont or "relationship" consists of me dropping the kids off to see on some weekends,4 second phone calls to say that my brother isnt home,or to hand the phone off. But im fine with it,i've tried to have a relationship with him,ive tried talking to him,i used to call his cell phone once everyday for a good 3 months,hoping that he would pick up,i would leave messages telling him whats going on,and i would talk to the answering machine,or i would call just to hear his voicemail. I remember having a message on my answering machine,that i saved on there for almost 2-3 years of him saying hi,and that he was going to come pick me up later and i deleted it. Im not going to hold on to the past,theres to many good things coming in my future.
My door is always open;because there are things coming up
like my wedding,kids in the future,and other things
if he wants to be apart of those things he can be..
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